Devoutly Displaced

-Marriage Therapy
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15
years they had been married. She went on and on and
on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved
and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured
over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking
the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The
therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied . . .
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,
but on Fridays, I fish."

(Or, we would say, you can take a marriage education class, skip having to
listen to the litany of what you're doing wrong, and, together, learn how to
do it right.)


Getting it right takes a lifetime, and sometimes it really does seem that it will never be right, just right. Communication, we know, is important. So important, that it seems the harder we try to communicate well, the more distant the message misses the mark. You’ve seen it go something like this: “When he/she says this, it really means that, and when that is talked about, then this is what is going to happen. No matter what is said after that instant sequence of mental connections, the wires stayed crossed.”

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht
oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is tahtthe frist and
lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can
sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed
ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh?

Guess that means we don't have to feel so bad about our spelling.
Also makes me think we should be able to apply this principle to marital
communication.  Try to listen for the meaning instead of nit-picking at the
fine points.  - Diane Sollee

Cultivating a good marriage is like two people growing a healthy garden. To achieve a full and satisfying harvest, the gardeners must work in harmony with one another, using the right tools, gardening wisdom, and a willing spirit. The gardening process teaches us vital – and sometimes painful – lessons about life. The struggle is worth it: both good marriages and healthy gardens can enrich and delight us. But neither happens by chance.

“My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.”
Unknown

We start our gardens with great visions and bold enthusiasm. But, weeds, bad weather, pests, and distractions threaten our hopes and dreams. It takes more than initial enthusiasm to get from a vision of possibilities to a healthy reality. It takes steady commitment and effort. If we are unwilling to deal with problems and differences, we will never enjoy a bountiful harvest. Each of us can commit regular time and energy to caring for our garden.

Family Life, The Marriage Garden is a free six lesson guide covering the six areas in the Marriage Garden: Commit, Grow, Nurture, Understand, Solve and Serve as well as Tips From Marriage Gardeners, all planted for harvesting by Wallace Goddard, PhD, James Marshall, PhD, from the University of Arkansas. [http://www.arfamilies.org/family_life/marriage/default.htm]

Do You Know Your Spouse?

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife
listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives
know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

Americans are waking up these days to the new reality: Each of us is responsible for building up a big enough nest egg for us to live on once we retire. Young people just want to be in the ballpark for a comfortable retirement. The Ballpark E$timate is an easy-to-use, two-page worksheet that helps you quickly identify approximately how much you need to save to fund a comfortable retirement. The Ballpark E$timate takes complicated issues like projected Social Security benefits and earnings assumptions on savings, and turns them into language and mathematics that are easy to understand. Go to Choose to Save and hit a home run,  http://choosetosave.org/ballpark/.

Little Things Mean a Lot
Send me a kiss from across the room
Say I look nice when I'm not
Touch my hair as you pass my chair
Little things mean a lot.

Give me your arm as we cross the street
Call me at six on the dot
A line a day when you're far away
Little things mean a lot.

Don't have to buy me diamonds or pearls
Champagne, sables, and such
I never cared much for diamonds and pearls
'cause honestly, honey, they just cost money.

Give me a hand when I've lost the way
Give me your shoulder to cry on
Whether the day is bright or gray
Give me your heart to rely on.

Send me the warmth of a secret smile
To show me you haven't forgot
For now and forever, that's always and ever
Little things mean a lot.

Listen on YouTube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USt9W5lqg_E

Student loans, auto loans, credit cards, credit scores, mortgage debt have their own schools of thought and discipline, but with this higher education, we just stay broke. Financial struggles can dampen the enthusiasm for a date night out. Try these resources for help: SmartMoney, http://www.smartmoney.com/debt/,

Marty wakes up with a killer hangover. He forces himself to open his
eyes, and the first things he sees are a couple of aspirin and a glass of
water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothes in front of him,
clean and pressed. He takes the aspirin and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go shopping. Love you."
He goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home at 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke
some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you
stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"
Unknown

It is not uncommon for couples to report confusion over some of the terms used to describe substance-using behaviors. It can also be relatively unknown what the rates of substance use are within the United States, and moreover, the relationship of substance using behaviors on family members and partners. In addition, substance abusers and their partners may experience episodes of depression as a result of dealing with the myriad of issues that are present where substance abuse issues exist. You may have even asked, how do I know if there is a drinking problem? How does all of this affect my kids and what can I do about it?

The Addiction and Family Research Group has a web page to help answer these questions: http://www.addictionandfamily.org/htm_pages/seeking_treatment/faqs.htm. Download their free workbook, Learning Sobriety Together, Written By: Cheryl L. Kennedy, C.S.W., Cynthia L. Birke, B.S., William Fals-Stewart, Ph.D., & Gary R. Birchler, Ph.D.
 http://www.addictionandfamily.org/htm_pages/seeking_treatment/lstmanual.htm. This program is a collection of information, skills, and lessons learned from years of research that has been used directly with couples in their Behavioral Couples Therapy [BCT] programs who have reported struggles in their relationship and family as a result of a substance use problem. Countless couples and families have benefited from learning about and using the very skills and information that are presented in this program.

If we are serious about renewing fatherhood, we must be serious about
 renewing marriage. . . . Healthy marriages are not always possible.
But we must remember, they are incredibly important for children.
 Our hearts know this and our nation must recognize this.
 None of us is perfect. And so no marriage and no family is perfect.
 After all, we all are human. Yet, we need fathers and families precisely
 because we are human. We all live, it is said, in the shelter of one
 another. And our urgent hope is one of the oldest hopes of humanity,
 to turn the hearts of children toward their parents, and the hearts of
 parents toward their young.
 George W Bush, June 7, 2001

“Caring for my Family” helps mothers and fathers of newborns to learn about building healthy relationships with each other and their children through a series of interactive educational experiences. The purpose of the program is to equip unmarried mothers and fathers with skills for making healthy decisions and to explore future options for their relationship including the potential of getting married. New parents will learn skills for parenting together and strengthening their family unit. Download the free curriculum: http://www.fcs.msue.msu.edu/cfmf/cfmf-curriculum.html.The curriculum is designed to help new mothers and fathers (if participating) make healthy decisions about their relationships. The educational strategies in this curriculum are primarily designed for new mothers with infants age 7 to 12 weeks and who are receiving cash assistance. Courtesy of the Michigan State University Extension, Family and Consumer Sciences.